1.) As head of the home (of both wife and children) as Christ is head of the
Church, husbands are to lovingly rule over their family "in
everything" especially by leading their families as ministers in their
homes, giving them God's Word, leading by godly example. (Eph. 5:22-6:4).
2.) Quality time with wife and kids is important, but cannot make up for lack
of quantity altogether. You have to work, but what are you working for? Better
to have quietness and godliness with poverty than feasting with enmity and
strife -- or absenteeism (Prov. 17:1). Better to be a little hungry in the body
than to be starved in the soul. So feed your family a feast of the True Bread
from Heaven. If you are constantly away from your family for weeks or months at
a time, your quality of time cannot make up for your lack of quantity/presence.
The ache of your absence will be felt and remembered by your wife and children for the
rest of their lives.
3.) We are made as male and female in God's image, to reflect His glory in
unique ways. Thus, our differences are not simply roles that we play, but
reflective of who/what we are as men/masculine made in God's image. Don't
demand your wife be a man, even when it comes to intellectual and theological
pursuits. Women are to nurture the children and take care of the home (Titus
2), so encourage them in that, and provide for them (financially, with physical
strength, with assistance in the home, with spiritual care above all), such
that this can be possible.
4.) You cannot micromanage as head of the home, but at the same time, you
cannot be ignorant of the daily happenings in your home, even when you are
away. Talk with your wife about these things. You must cultivate a healthy,
loving, godly relationship with her, for the sake of your marriages, and then
also for the sake of your children. She will be formative, not just in the
earliest of years, but throughout their lives in the home.
5a.) Family worship/reading God's Word to your children, with a brief
explanation and application, is your duty as a father. Especially when your
children are young and not working, you need to be daily in the Word with your
wife and children. How else can you fulfill Deut. 6? “You shall teach [God's
Word] diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your
house, when you walk by the way, when you lie down, and when you rise up. You
shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between
your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your
gates." Your wife will supplement and help with this, but you must lead in
this and perform this primarily.
5b.) This is not only a formal sitting with your kids to read a passage of
Scripture (likely from a story Bible like Catherine Vos's Child's Story Bible
when they are younger), pray, and possibly sing a psalm or hymn with them (all
of which can be done in 5-10 minutes at breakfast and/or dinner, especially
when kids are younger). It is, as Deut. 6 says, the air that you breathe. As you
sit in the house, when you get up, when you go to bed, as you walk through your
yard, your heart and mind is teaching your children the things of God,
illustrated in the things of life, and to praise, thank, and glorify God for
all things. Having the 10 Commandments posted in your home for your wife to
review with the kids during the day, to memorize that and other Scripture,
etc., is a good, literal fulfillment of Deut. 6.
6.) This all requires competency and knowledge in God's Word. Note, the pastor
and Elders are just supplementary to this for your children. We catechize our
youth at the Church, but that's once a week Sunday morning. You, the father,
the pastor in your home, are the backbone of the training of your wife and
children. No, you will likely not be as skilled or knowledgeable in God's Word
as your pastor and Elders, but that's okay. There are plenty of aids to help
you lead, and your pastors and Elders should be willing to provide tips and
resources as well. This is a duty fathers, so if you are inadequate, repent,
own it, but don't feel ashamed, and get help, ideally from your godly pastors
and Elders. If you do not have such a church with such pastors and Elders, it's
time to find a faithful church.
7a.) "Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it....Foolishness is bound up in the
heart of a child; The rod of correction will drive it far from him."
(Prov. 22:6,15). Fathers, training and raising your children in the nurture of
the Lord (Eph. 6:1-4) requires knowing the way you yourself should go, knowing
something of how to go that way, to actually be going that way, and then, by
word and example, train up your children to go in that way as well. This will
require recognizing that your children are sinners by nature, and foolishness
is in their hearts. As you train them in the righteous way, with wisdom and
counsel and leading by example, you must also administer the rod of correction
-- something like church discipline for the home. This will often require a
literal rod, a swat on the butt, to remind of the sting of sin, that it leads
to death, but that the righteous way in which you are training them leads to
life. At other times, this may require being sent to their rooms, having
privileges taken away, etc. All of this is correction that stings. All of this
requires wisdom, which we will discuss more in part 2.
7b.) Note, this is not a rod only until the child repents and believes, nor a
rod that begins only after the child repents and believes. You must raise your
children as Christian children, in a Christian home, from their infancy.
Further, what child in a Christian home will not profess faith in Christ at a
tender age? Our training/raising them up and using the rod of correction guides
them in that righteous way of Christ, recognizing the kingdom belongs to our
kids from infancy (Lk. 18:15-17); thus they are covenant children, disciples,
and therefore are to be baptized and taught all that the Lord commands (Matt.
28). This is how you disciple, how you raise children in the discipline, the
nurture and admonition, of the Lord. Only disciples are trained in the way they
should go. Only God's people receive and are taught all of God's Word. Don't
withhold these from your children or treat them as pagans. The point at which
the Lord regenerates our child and brings them to repentance and saving faith
is not always discernable, but that is besides the point.
7c.) The Lord says disciple your children from the tenderest of years, from
birth. My own babies have been able to begin the children's catechism even
before they are a year old. They have also received spankings (small ones)
before they are a year old, for their sin, and have understood it in a basic,
intuitive way, and benefited from it.
Your discipline as father of your children must coincide with the heavenly
Father's discipline. We are discipling our children, from infancy, in the way
they should go, with the rod of correction, to serve the Lord, to yield that
peaceable fruit of righteousness. If we are not, we are sinning against God,
and against our wife and children especially, treating our children as
illegitimate sons. We are bastardizing them. Hebrews 12:6-11:
"For whom the Lord loves He chastens,
And scourges every son whom He receives.”
"If you endure chastening, God deals with you as with sons; for what son
is there whom a father does not chasten? But if you are without chastening, of
which all have become partakers, then you are illegitimate and not sons.
Furthermore, we have had human fathers who corrected us, and we paid them
respect. Shall we not much more readily be in subjection to the Father of
spirits and live? For they indeed for a few days chastened us as seemed best to
them, but He for our profit, that we may be partakers of His holiness. Now no
chastening seems to be joyful for the present, but painful; nevertheless,
afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness to those who have been
trained by it."
Christian fathers do not merely correct their children "as seems best to
us" but as seems best to God, for the sake of our children's souls. Be
like the heavenly Father and discipline your children.
7d.) Practice what you preach. When you sin, do not deny it, but repent, even
to your children, particularly when you sinned in front of them, or against
them, or against your wife. Pray with and for them constantly, not just at meal
times, but bed time, in the morning, in the middle of the day when things
aren't going well, or even when they are and you want to give thanks to the
Lord.
8.) Do not lost heart. You will see ups and downs, progress and fallbacks in
your children. I have 7 kids, and they are still kids, the oldest is only 9.
Parent by God's promises, for He is God to you and your children, and raise them
up in that confidence, that in His good timing and sovereign pleasure, He will
regenerate them if He hasn't done so already, and the fruit of that new birth
will manifest itself more clearly over time. Remember your own sinful heart.
Remember your own ups and downs. Don't apply a stricter standard to your
children than you apply to yourself. Sanctification is a life-long process that
is never completed and requires that Christ deliver us from our wretched sinful
flesh at His return.
There is more to say, but I need to eat breakfast. So this is a start.
Counsel
for Fathers, Part 2:
1.) The Necessity of Wisdom: Wisdom comes from observation, reflection, and being steeped in the Word of God, along with understanding human nature (male and female), children and adults, etc., and pulling out principles from nature and God's Word and molding them to fit present circumstances which stand before you in your particular place and time, with your people/family. Leading your wife and children in the home is not a paint by numbers project, but because Christians today often treat all of life, and the Christian life in particular in this way (with proof-text Christianity), we often think that it is. In fact, the Westminster Divines, when crafting the Westminster Confession and Catechisms, did not want to put in the proof-texts originally, but were required by the government/parliament that convened them to do so. They knew that the doctrines they were upholding and putting in confessional and catechetical format cannot be cherry picked from a few verses, but are only discerned through an intimate, thorough knowledge of the Scriptures. So the proof texts served something like “exegetical mile markers” as others called it, but to really grasp these doctrines, you have to do more than look at the proof texts. You have to know your Bibles thoroughly, intimately, and as an unfolding story, which is what it is. You need the wisdom of the Bible, not just proof texts pulled out of context.
2.) Certainly, it likely has to begin that way (with proof texts/painting by the numbers) when we do not have basic competency or are trying to acquire it. What I mean is, proof texting does not make for good parenting, or good living, or good Bible study. Yes, we typically begin with paint by numbers, with basic "proof texts", to fill in that section of the painting, to fulfill that duty that we have, but does this make for a masterpiece? Does this perform the duty with skill and precision? No. Many think Scripture is a sort of step-by-step how to manual, and in many ways it is. But that’s just the beginning of what the Bible is. The depths, the gold, must be plumbed. You cannot have an excellent painting that uses the paint by numbers method. You cannot have excellent parenting and fathering using a proof text/manual method either.
3.) As noted, wisdom and craftsmanship as a father comes by observation, reflection, steeped in God’s Word and deep reflection upon it, prayer, help from others, good sermons, observing other godly men and fathers in all aspects of life that they do well, etc. In other words, it is going to take time, and life long progression/improvement. But if you live by “No, I don’t need or have to do that, there isn’t a Bible verse for it,” you aren’t going to develop much as a man, a Christian, or a husband and father, beyond painting by numbers really well. You will be short on wisdom because your methodology isn’t even pursuing it, and deep competency in many aspects of life will elude you.
4.) If you are well-gifted in your work/occupation, or in a hobby, think about how you acquired such proficiency. Sure, you may have had a natural knack, gifting, inclination, etc., but it wasn’t that alone. You observed, reflected, were steeped in the skill set and knowledge base needed for that proficiency, that competency, that mastery of your work/occupation/hobby. You poured your heart and soul into it, and engaged it so much that it became second nature, intuitive, and you began to master things and do things that you can’t simply point to a verse or a saying or whatever to demonstrate how you did it. You had wisdom, skill, in playing that musical instrument, in playing point guard in basketball, in farming or carpentry or dentistry or whatever it is that you really excel at. You went beyond the paint-by-numbers approach in this thing. Well, pursue being a godly father and husband to your children and wife in the same way. Ask the Lord for wisdom and skill and understanding as a father and husband. If people are willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars and dedicate years of their lives to become a doctor, a pastor, a lawyer or businessmen, pour yourself into parenting with something of that same zeal and purpose.
5.) You are a father and husband, whether you like it or not. It is your calling, in fact it is your greatest calling. So be great at it. You can do it, by God’s grace, equipped with His word, with example, with the Church and encouragement, and with a pursuit of wisdom, steeped in prayers, with the intent not to remain forever painting by numbers.
6.) The necessity of humility: A lack of wisdom, we know intuitively, exposes our ignorance, and when it comes especially to incompetency or lack of wisdom as a father and husband, it exposes great shortcomings. We all have these shortcomings, and so we must all be humble and repent. The greatest father is still a sinner, still an imperfect parent, still has much to learn and improve upon, and will have much to repent of and trust that the blood of Christ has covered. But the worst thing we can do is double down on our ignorance, or refuse to get help from others when we need it.
7.) As men, we can be stubborn, prideful, ashamed to get help, rather than being ashamed of our inadequacy and driven to get help by wiser men to help us overcome our inadequacy. I am, sad to say, quite inadequate and unskilled at making things with my hands, or repairing things, beyond the most rudimentary matters. I have to admit that and get help from men who have skill in these things and learn what I can from them. It may not be my natural gifting, and it may not be something in this culture and time in history that I have to have supreme mastery over to literally get by (what if I had to build my own house, or kill and slaughter my own animals to provide for my family?), but such skills are good to have, and can teach your children, your boys especially. We have some land and own some chickens. My wife and I together have a garden and a chicken coop and a fence with T-Posts. My wife learns much about gardening and is gaining mastery, starting to move beyond a “paint by numbers” approach, along with some of the other women in our church who all help one another. The men and women have come together to butcher chickens and process them. I defer to those in my church who are more skilled at these things, to learn from them and get better as well, even if in many ways I’m still having to paint by numbers.
8.) But what all married men with children must pursue and acquire, sooner than later God willing, is competency beyond painting by numbers in being a husband and father. This is for all men, Christian men in particular, not just pastors and elders. So if we ought to be humble and learn from others anywhere, it ought to begin right here, with being a good father and husband. But precisely because it is so important, it is often a place where we can be most prideful and stubborn. It’s one thing to come to another man and say I don’t know how to garden or play basketball or shoot a gun. It’s more difficult to say I don’t know how to be a good father or husband, or to say, I don’t really know how to be a man. But we all need the help of one another. The body of Christ needs the body of Christ. Men need men. Help and serve with all humility and love.
9.) To these ends, we need the wisdom literature of Scripture. Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived save the God-Man Himself, gave us (under God’s inspiration) the Proverbs. It is written to know wisdom and instruction. It is for the young man to acquire knowledge and discretion. Master it, be mastered by it, and then pass it along, by word and example, to your family. A great book on this is “Solomon Says” by Mark Horne. Other books of yesteryear are invaluable, to get us out of our own cultural moment and see the wisdom of the ages, such as J.C. Ryle’s “The Duties of Parents” or “Thoughts for Young Men”. Doug Wilson’s Father Hunger and Future Men is good, as is Reforming Marriage and others of his writings. Zach Garris’s Masculine Christianity is a great work and a must read for Christians today, men and women alike, and Michael Foster’s writings on manhood are good, and he has a book along with co-author Bnonn Tennant called Its Good to be a Man.
10.) But remember, too heavy reliance upon books and learning, rather than reflecting and doing and learning from mistakes, is going to make you susceptible to falling back into a paint by numbers approach. Rather than really knowing what to do, and why, whether it can be explained or simply known intuitively through mastery, you will simply paint where the numbers are, simply do what you are told, artificially, without understanding why really. Brothers, this is true even with the Bible itself, if we approach it in this “proof-texting” sort of way. Your wife and children, whether they are conscience of it or not, will sense this. It is like a preacher who is gesturing, saying the right words, but something is just a bit off. He’s mimicking, imitating, doing what he’s seen done, but doesn’t really own it for himself. He’s more an imitator of good and godly preachers than actually a good and godly preacher himself. It is artificial, unnatural, even if one gets good at covering up that artificiality. Even if you hide the fact that you are painting by the numbers, and become quite sophisticated at it, the reality will still seep through. You are hamstrung and handicapped. I remember a PCA minister who, in his presbytery, led a study committee on the issue of homosexuality. He spoke of how he read over 60 books on the issue, but still was okay with same-sex attraction. He, after all, still struggled with it himself. I asked him what Romans 1 said on this matter and homosexuality in general, and he said “That’s a good question, I’ll have to look at that and see.” Sometimes lots of reading is a cloak for disobedience, for hard-heartedness, engaged in to cover up your sin rather than take action against it and overcome it. Sometimes, this can be even true when using the Bible as a “proof-text” magic 8-Ball.
11.) So, don’t be a knock off brand, a cheap imitator, even if you get really good at it. Be a godly man, a godly father, a godly husband, with mastery attained through wisdom over time, with the humility required that seeks help from others and is not too lazy to engage in serious reflection, observation, and prayerful dependence upon God and His Word to acquire such mastery. Proverbs 1:5-7 says, “A wise man will hear and increase learning, And a man of understanding will attain wise counsel, To understand a proverb and an enigma, The words of the wise and their riddles. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, But fools despise wisdom and instruction.” We need wise counsel, godly examples. We need a godly community. We need faithful churches, with faithful, competent men and women who have mastery. Ideally, the older men and women who have long been faithful have this and pass this along, as Scripture commands in places like Titus 2:1-8. Sadly, we don’t have a lot of this today, we have had a lot of ignorance and paint by the numbers/proof-texting at best, and outright hypocrisy and false teaching and living at worst and in many churches. If your pastor is an immature man-child, and your churches “worship” is reduced to singing contemporary pop songs with a shallow or perverse Christian veneer, repent and grow up yourself, and find a faithful church where serious, faithful men and women and families are at. Grow, learn, and become a man that can instruct other men in the Church as well. But begin by being a godly, loving husband to your wife, and father to your children.
12.) Proverbs 1:8-9 go on to say, “My son, hear the instruction of your father, And do not forsake the law of your mother; For they will be a graceful ornament on your head, And chains about your neck.” For those of you who had good parents, or at minimum godly men and women in your life who essentially took upon something of this role (though it can never truly be replaced) in your life, heed it throughout your life, so that it will adorn you well, and in turn, you can well-adorn your own children.
13.) I will close with this – do everything in love, for God’s glory, and the good of your family. Pursuing wisdom and mastery in husbandry and fathering, but not doing it from the heart, in love for God above all and in love for your family as yourself, will not end well. One of the greatest comforts as a child was hearing my father (and mother) tell me he loves me, regularly, daily, and then demonstrating that in all that he did. His discipline, his teaching and instruction, were constant, and still is to this day. But also in playing with me, spending time with me, reading me books, spending countless hours playing baseball with me and serving as my personal catcher while I mastered pitching all the way through high school and even beyond (he caught for me, with full catcher’s gear, until he was about 60 years of age I believe!), demonstrated his love. So demonstrate your love to your children. Yes tell them, yes learn for them, but demonstrate your love and learning in tangible ways, in sheer love from the heart for them.
14.) Does it matter to you that you know Christ’s love, that He has
saved and redeemed you and bought you and made you His own, for your good and
His glory? Then tell and show such love to your family, your wife and children.
Demonstrate it to them, for “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that
while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Your children, yes even
baptized, covenant, regenerate children, are still sinners. While sinners, as
sinners, because they were sinners, Christ died for them. Christ still lives
for them and works in all of our hearts, though even as Christians we still sin
against Him daily. Your kids will sin daily against you. Continue to love them.
Continue to live for them, so that when you die, your children will know that
next to God Himself and the wife of your youth with whom you were one flesh,
you lived and poured out yourself for them more than for anything or anyone
else, to show them God’s love in Christ to them, that they may be godly men and
woman for God’s glory, in whose image they were created.
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